Kristen Stewart didn’t immerse herself in work after breaking up with Robert Pattinson.
Instead, the 23-year-old spent 2013 taking road trips with her friends to New Orleans and Nashville, working on her poetry, playing guitar and reconnecting with middle school friends from Woodland Hills, Calif.
In fact, the Twilight star discusses her love life like never before in the March 2014 issue of Marie Claire. During one road trip, for example, Stewart realized that she doesn’t have a type. “You don’t know who you will fall in love with. You just don’t. You don’t control it. Some people have certain things, like, ‘That’s what I’m going for,’ and I have a subjective version of that. I don’t pressure myself,” the actress says. “If you fall in love with someone, you want to own them—but really, why would you want that? You want them to be what you love. I’m much too young to even have an answer for that question.
Stewart doesn’t explicitly discuss her 2012 fling with Rupert Sanders, but she does respond to those who’ve criticized her personal life. “I stand by every mistake I’ve ever made, so judge away,” she says.
The actress does have one regret, however: not pursuing a college education. “The biggest struggle I’ve ever had has been about not going to school and working instead. I was worried about turning down specific individual experiences. Like each movie was, ‘F–k, I have to do that movie.'”
Stewart doesn’t dwell on the past. Instead, she searches for new ways to move forward.
After moving out of the Los Feliz mansion she once shared with Pattinson, for example, she looked at four houses before picking on in L.A. The living room features a TV (which isn’t hooked up to cable), overstuffed bookcases and a small sculpture that reads “F–k.” Stewart doesn’t intend to live at the bachelorette pad forever. “I don’t really feel like I need to be stuck to a place, necessarily,” she says.
Stewart didn’t come across many projects that moved her in the year after her breakup. “Dude, I have no idea what I’m doing, and that’s kind of how I love it,” the single star says. “I had no idea Twilight was going to be huge. Certain movies I’ve done I thought were going to be amazing did nothing. So it’s fun not having so much control. It’s kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants lifestyle—it’s fun, but it’s scary as f–k. If it’s not scary, it’s usually—you kind of have to step back and go, ‘You’re probably making this decision because it’s right on paper.’ But unless you get that irking fear, it’s not right.”
“I really like being thrown into the unknown and then finding my way. I don’t want to show someone something. I want people to watch me find something,” she adds. Later on, Stewart reiterates that she’s driven by passion, not commission. “I’m kind of, like, an extremist. I really don’t want to be working unless I’m bleeding it. And if I’m not working, then don’t ever try to make a plan with me.”
She may be passionate about acting, but she’s less so about doing press. “I have an embarrassing inability, seriously, of summoning fake energy…I’m just not very good on TV, and it’s not my main goal in life to get good at it. People are like, ‘She just can’t handle’—for lack of a better word—’the spotlight.’ No, actually, I can’t, and that is totally who I am,” Stewart says. ” I love being an actor, but I’m the last person to want to have a birthday party. I don’t try to force it or turn it into something else or fabricate this personality. So I totally agree when people say I’m, like, the most awkward person.”